Day 8 - kinda

I've written and re-written this a dozen times. I am still working out my script for forgiving fundamentalist evangelical Christians... I'm doing my best to follow Shetty's 3 part script (identify their pain, forgive them, ask for forgiveness). Each time I work on this, I catch myself in a state of anger. I'm not sure if/when I'll be ready to read this into the camera and sit with it on the beach. I tried last night, but I gave up pretty quickly between the mosquitoes and genuine anger. I'm putting a pause on processing it for now.

Their pain 

• Erosion of power and influence.  
• Loss of certainty leading to holding on tighter 
• The pain of having to hold true to selfish politics based on political and cultural "Rights" to not have to care for the health or happiness of others and, if necessary, disregard the selfless teachings of Christ. 
• The world is scary, so listening to the fear and anger in the echo chamber professing truth in "strength" rather than love in "meekness" is more accessible.

I forgive you for 

• Redefining Christianity from a particular way of engaging with the world to a set of beliefs about the world 
• brainwashing my parents and being the wedge that didn't allow them to love me as myself or me to introduce myself to them
• Hijacking the word Christianity such that its brand is so UnChrist like that I am repulsed to be identified by the word "Christian" even though I see greatness in Christs' Gospel of loving others.
• For following conservative politics instead of a doctrine of loving others. 
• 
  
  For Boons Ferry Baptist Church encouraging an 8-year-old to watch "thief in the night." Scaring the shit out of me that if I didn't pray the right way or hear voices in my head that my parents would be raptured, and I would be left alone. I went to every altar call for months after that, hoping to hear a voice in my head. My dad was so proud of me; he gave me his bible with his handwritten notes (I still keep it). I couldn't let him down, but the voice of God never came in my head, and I was sure I was terrible, and my parents would be raptured, and I would be alone. 
• For being the cause of my trust issues and need to validate everything somebody tells me myself. Specifically, Bellevue Christian High School for teaching dinosaurs we're not real because they were not in the bible, the CIA did the moon landing, or the moon may be made from cheese (seriously, I'm not making this up). Then my first year in college learning most of the facts in my science class were lies.  

Please forgive me for

• Not loving you like Christ. 
• My absolute certainty you are wrong in both doctrine and behavior. 
• Forgiving up on you. 
• Not loving you enough to go to your temple and turn over your tables.