TCI Season 2-5

42 The concepts of self and “how to finish” were the key parts of this trip. I touched a bit of discovery of    “self” during the meditations. But I don’t think I explored it far enough to fully grasp it. There was a moment when I experienced the observation that self is no more real than thoughts are, it is temporary and transitory and something I use to help myself feel better.  The focus of “how to end” was also a key part of this trip. The three areas were “friendship”, “Horemones” and “Partnership”.   The friendship one was a bit of a challenge. I had two friends show up on the trip and one of them I don’t feel drawn to see again. I felt very disrespected by them and the tribe they brought with them. This is in stark contrast to my previous experience with them, so I feel I owe it to them to discuss this with them before I move on. I don’t mind the ‘disrespect’ but it was more fundamental than that, one of them actually went out of their way to try to con...

 Mostly Kite surfed again today.  I officially gave up on A’s Kite Shack. He had me use a kite with a small tare in it that had some tape on it. I heard them the other day talk about how it really should be fixed but that they could likely get one or two more lessons out of it.  I went out with it and it ripped pretty bit during one of my crashes. He then had me try the same size kite but was for advanced riders. He warned me “not fuck up, it is like a fararri and you have been driving a Toyota”.  I yeeted myself pretty high into the air twice, once during a crash.  I said I didn’t feel safe. He told me to sit on the beach to wait for the 8M kite. I waited 3 hours… I walked to Velo and scheduled the lessons for the rest of the week. I went for a UV night dive. I was worried about missing the sunset, bit it was one of the best I have experienced.  We put on our BCD’s and swam out right and the sun was hitting the horizon. I went underwater and started the di...

 Had a kite lesson with Armando.  Out of the 2 hours I kited 30 minutes (hyper unorganized and really wanted me to body drag back to the board rather than get it in the boat).  But the wind was great and it felt really solid today. After the lesson I sat on the beach for a while trying to figure out this Low Testosterone issue.  The way I see it is that it is a lifetime commitment in both time and cost. It also brings back my hyper sex drive.  So I had been pretty reluctant to do that.  But I just have no energy. I was watching a guy who is a bit older than I am (probably mid-50s) rock it on his Kite. I don’t’ know his back story, but I know mine (I’m an Ironman who does cross fit but can’t stay out past 10PM even if I really want to).  I don’t want to fade away. I want to fight it.  I need to make sure Kim’s on board with helping manage my sex drive if it returns (It is super strange that the year she engaged in co-ownership in my sex drive is al...

Past few days I’ve been in a mental funk. I kite surfed daily and probably pushed it a bit too hard and my body and mind became exhausted.  I have been overly concerned about the impact other unhealthy mindset has on me.  Sometimes others are of pure monkey mind. No judgment. But when it happens I can’t help but having it happen to me too. Even when I try to respond rather than react, the frantic barrage of the others monkey mind overwhelms my fragile ability to be present.  I can’t seem to figure out how to enhance this ability so it isn’t so fragile. It’s frustrating to me and the last few days have been unlucky as Kim’s been unwell.  Today Steph arrived and we with about with Mayleene and Javier for dinner after sunset and then to Momba Bar.  Steph went out late with Armando. I just didn’t have the enery or desire to go out so I went back and crashed around 10PM (which is still late for me these days).  The dinner was a lot of fun. Javier is Linux Sysadm...

Ahhh... Today was a good day, like the first real day of this trip. Yes, the day I realized that self-is-an-illusion was “enlightening”, and the day I spent trying to figure out if I should get on testosterone supplements when I get back was "helpful" (not really, as I haven't figured that out yet), and the days I've spent doing death meditations have been "interesting" (I'm much more comfortable with my own death)... but so far, this trip has been a 3 out of 10 on the personal growth scale. I never felt the vibe I normally get on these trips. I was starting to fear it was because of low testosterone and that I was just "more tired" than I used to be. Today was different. I haven't meditated at all today (maybe I will before bedtime, but probably not... "Ballers" is calling). I think what has been missing is the counter-culture of America. The dirt road. Today, I got up early for my kite lesson (8:30 AM). It was OK. I had a few re...

 I really haven’t been doing much introspection lately. I am still enjoying the Waking Up meditation app, but I haven’t done a death meditation in the last few days. I have been focused on kite surfing. I took a lesson from somebody at Armando’s and it was a miss again. I’ve decided to just focus on going to the place that is professional. Part of me feels bad because I want to support a friend, but also “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm” so I am practicing that.

 Two days in a row of nothing but chilling out.  I watched f1 at the imax today. I am starting to feel recharged a bit and have signed up for kit lessons for the next few days.   I haven’t done any deep introspection or death meditations or anything existential the last two days, but the “waking up” meditation app I’ve been using has been hitting hard. I am glad I found this. It’s my new go to guided meditation 

Today’s kite surfing lessons was not good. I had think I’ve been pushing too hard in some way of trying to ignore that I’m older and my body can’t keep up with multiple workouts a day.  I’m goinng to take the next few days off everything.   I asked the family to listen to Ren songs are “money game 1,2 and 3 “.  Here is #1 https://youtu.be/0ivQwwgW4OY?si=1ipq_zHIDVIja89t