TCI Season 2-5

The last few days have been hard. Jet lag hasn’t helped. The abundance of workouts, given my current state of fitness, hasn’t helped. But even with those challenges, I could maintain relative composure as I said goodbye to my mom via email. We have been emailing for the last week to see if we could have a relationship. Even though her emails were abrasive, I felt I could maintain calm and composure and continue to offer her an olive beach of loving-kindness. Ultimately, she decided there wasn’t a path forward for a relationship. I will be ok. I understand she likely has some mental health issues compounded by her worldview, and my way of life causes her too much pain (she believes I will go to hell since I don’t practice her religion the same way she does). While we no longer have a relationship, I will still meditate/pray for her wellness daily.   Yesterday I watched this sunrise, praying for her well-being, health, and happiness and that her mind is free from anger, greed, and de...

 I did a fun food tour in old Phuket. The word melon is called FUK here so it is normal to say things like "I would like another FUK". The old tour guide we had really liked this joke.  We started the tour in the market and went to four different restaurants and a food cart before I had to bail on the 5th restaurant to get back for my muay Thai lesson. I miss my dog. But this playful little chihuahua in the front office lets me play with it. The fruit here is super fresh. The Orange FUK (mango) is my favorite. 

​ Travel days. Left the house at 6:30am Saturday and got to my hotel at Sunday.   I meditated for 30min upon arriving the airport. It was hard to focus on my breath. It was interesting that my thoughts were what distracted me from my meditation not the brightness of the lights in the airport or the minimal noise that got past the noise-canceling headphones and ambient rain sounds I had playing. Last year I could meditate in noisy public places without any gadgets. But I think I am focusing a lot more this year. I also know I’m excited for my trip so that may be what’s causing the racing thoughts.  Listened to a conversation between Professors Anthony Huberman (neuroscientist) and Jordon Peterson (Psychologist). One topic was the area of the brain called Nucleolus Reunions (midline thalamus area) that when stimulated would convert a terrified non confrontational being to on that would healthy approach it’s fears. This part of the brain has a direct tie to the dopamine system. D...

Two days until I depart. I'm getting ready to leave... starting to make my list of what I will be working on in Thailand.  Here is a note I just sent to both the offspring.... During my meditation today, I concluded I'm not autistic... at least not born with autism, but I have some autistic behaviors, such as poor emotional intelligence.    I realized that I was taught: I was born bad (biblical doctrine of inherited depravity) If I misbehaved, I would be abandoned (God wouldn't talk to me, and he would rapture my parents. I watched my parents excommunicate anybody they felt was sinful, including my grandma and brother, and ultimately me.)  My mom has struggled her entire life to feel unconditional love for herself, from others, and for others, including her children. As a result, when conflict arose, I would suppress any response so my "bad" self wouldn't accidentally misbehave and get abandoned. This evolved to a habitual behavior of "flee from conflict,...