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End of the Race - Single Journal Entry from the year off

I am getting used to feeling fully seen, accepted, and still loved. Nothing hidden. That’s new. I’ve spent most of my life exploring desires in my head, then quietly carrying the weight of shame around the ones I was too afraid to ask for. Now, it feels like I’ve done everything my heart has truly wanted. And if something new arises—something I haven’t even imagined—I trust it will be met with openness, not fear. I no longer need to retreat inward and figure it all out alone. It’s a strange feeling, having nothing left to chase. An empty bucket list. The marathon of life has been run, and it feels like I won. As I return to living after this year of rest, I’m not aching to get back in shape or improve my mental or relational health just to run more miles in the race of life. I don’t feel the pull to fix myself or push harder in the name of growth. We did the work. We crossed the finish line. We did it all. And the words that keep echoing are: we won. Sure, there’s always room to grow. ...
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Day 42

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42 The concepts of self and “how to finish” were the key parts of this trip. I touched a bit of discovery of    “self” during the meditations. But I don’t think I explored it far enough to fully grasp it. There was a moment when I experienced the observation that self is no more real than thoughts are, it is temporary and transitory and something I use to help myself feel better.  The focus of “how to end” was also a key part of this trip. The three areas were “friendship”, “Horemones” and “Partnership”.   The friendship one was a bit of a challenge. I had two friends show up on the trip and one of them I don’t feel drawn to see again. I felt very disrespected by them and the tribe they brought with them. This is in stark contrast to my previous experience with them, so I feel I owe it to them to discuss this with them before I move on. I don’t mind the ‘disrespect’ but it was more fundamental than that, one of them actually went out of their way to try to con...
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Day 38

 Mostly Kite surfed again today.  I officially gave up on A’s Kite Shack. He had me use a kite with a small tare in it that had some tape on it. I heard them the other day talk about how it really should be fixed but that they could likely get one or two more lessons out of it.  I went out with it and it ripped pretty bit during one of my crashes. He then had me try the same size kite but was for advanced riders. He warned me “not fuck up, it is like a fararri and you have been driving a Toyota”.  I yeeted myself pretty high into the air twice, once during a crash.  I said I didn’t feel safe. He told me to sit on the beach to wait for the 8M kite. I waited 3 hours… I walked to Velo and scheduled the lessons for the rest of the week. I went for a UV night dive. I was worried about missing the sunset, bit it was one of the best I have experienced.  We put on our BCD’s and swam out right and the sun was hitting the horizon. I went underwater and started the di...
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Day 37

 Had a kite lesson with Armando.  Out of the 2 hours I kited 30 minutes (hyper unorganized and really wanted me to body drag back to the board rather than get it in the boat).  But the wind was great and it felt really solid today. After the lesson I sat on the beach for a while trying to figure out this Low Testosterone issue.  The way I see it is that it is a lifetime commitment in both time and cost. It also brings back my hyper sex drive.  So I had been pretty reluctant to do that.  But I just have no energy. I was watching a guy who is a bit older than I am (probably mid-50s) rock it on his Kite. I don’t’ know his back story, but I know mine (I’m an Ironman who does cross fit but can’t stay out past 10PM even if I really want to).  I don’t want to fade away. I want to fight it.  I need to make sure Kim’s on board with helping manage my sex drive if it returns (It is super strange that the year she engaged in co-ownership in my sex drive is al...
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Day 36

Past few days I’ve been in a mental funk. I kite surfed daily and probably pushed it a bit too hard and my body and mind became exhausted.  I have been overly concerned about the impact other unhealthy mindset has on me.  Sometimes others are of pure monkey mind. No judgment. But when it happens I can’t help but having it happen to me too. Even when I try to respond rather than react, the frantic barrage of the others monkey mind overwhelms my fragile ability to be present.  I can’t seem to figure out how to enhance this ability so it isn’t so fragile. It’s frustrating to me and the last few days have been unlucky as Kim’s been unwell.  Today Steph arrived and we with about with Mayleene and Javier for dinner after sunset and then to Momba Bar.  Steph went out late with Armando. I just didn’t have the enery or desire to go out so I went back and crashed around 10PM (which is still late for me these days).  The dinner was a lot of fun. Javier is Linux Sysadm...
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Day 31

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Ahhh... Today was a good day, like the first real day of this trip. Yes, the day I realized that self-is-an-illusion was “enlightening”, and the day I spent trying to figure out if I should get on testosterone supplements when I get back was "helpful" (not really, as I haven't figured that out yet), and the days I've spent doing death meditations have been "interesting" (I'm much more comfortable with my own death)... but so far, this trip has been a 3 out of 10 on the personal growth scale. I never felt the vibe I normally get on these trips. I was starting to fear it was because of low testosterone and that I was just "more tired" than I used to be. Today was different. I haven't meditated at all today (maybe I will before bedtime, but probably not... "Ballers" is calling). I think what has been missing is the counter-culture of America. The dirt road. Today, I got up early for my kite lesson (8:30 AM). It was OK. I had a few re...
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Day 30

 I really haven’t been doing much introspection lately. I am still enjoying the Waking Up meditation app, but I haven’t done a death meditation in the last few days. I have been focused on kite surfing. I took a lesson from somebody at Armando’s and it was a miss again. I’ve decided to just focus on going to the place that is professional. Part of me feels bad because I want to support a friend, but also “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm” so I am practicing that.
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