TCI Season 2-5

  My family left this evening. I am solo again. I enjoyed the time with friends and family but I'm excited to get back to working on myself (physically and mentally). I went back over some of my notes for the last two years and tried to summarize it here. I'm wrapping up the chapter on intention in the monk book, but also reading a book called "The Book of Joy" by Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. It is very different than the monk book. It seems to focus on the idea that joy is just an intentional state of mind.  Here are my review notes: My Values Adventure (Challenge, Daring, Freedom, Risk Taking) Equality (fairness, equal treatment, helping people in need) Security (Stability, logic, reliability, punctuality, Dependability) Family (connection, comfort, grounded) Pleasure (food, physical, visual) Things to forgive Myself and others for my CIO career and how it ended. Done 2021 My parents. Done 2021 but I still miss them Conservatives and the Christian Church.    Done 2...

 Really nice conversation with my cousin about how she is processing some stuff she is going thru.  Was able to engage but also state when I had enough (given the topic was around past traumas she had and her faith it was not a topic I was eager to engage but it is SOOO much of who she identifies herself as right now it’s something I have to engage because it’s who she is right now). We also have things in common (both value adventure). We had a great day riding bikes around the island stopping at beach bars. We left the house around 10am on our bikes and didn’t get home until 5pm when we “quickly” showered before heading to Alberto’s for dinner.  At one of the stops I spent some time envisioning another scenario for 55-65 years old: Where: anywhere   What: temporary CEO for medium size remodeling companies for when the existing CEO becomes ill or wants to take a month vacation  Benefits:  I envision doing two or maybe three engagements per year.  This...

   What do I truly want?  Friends. Solving problems. Adventure. Financial security. Relationship security What are my desires?  Sex. Sun. Feeling young/fit. Deeper (not defensive) connection  Why do I want what I want?  I get depressed when it is cold/dark I fear abandonment  I feel like I contribute when I’m solving problems  I love to try new things What are the intentions behind my desires?  Fear (financial & relationship security), Desire (sex, fitness, adventure), Love (deeper connection, sun for self care, friendship), Service (solving problems) Do I define myself by my intentions or by my achievements/career?  I use to define myself by achievements/career. I’ve worked hard to overcome that. I am at a healthy state now. I definitely define myself by my intention at the moment. I’m still fearful of falling back into the habit of defining myself by achievements/career. Sometime I think about going back to work just to get new problem...

 Jay asserts there are four primary motivators that influence the choices we make: Fear, Desire, Duty, Love, and that doing things out of Love and Duty instead of trying to find happiness through success, allows us to achieve more. He says that when we live with a clear sense of why what we do matters, life takes on more meaning and fulfillment. I do know I spent a lot of my life chasing happiness via “success” and found it unfulfilling no matter how much “success” I achieved.  But real talk… I don’t feel the same drive and passion with Love and Duty as I did Fear and Desire. I’m not saying I don’t feel Love and Desire. I love Kim and the kids. Without question. But I don’t have a lot of drive around that. I want to ensure they are safe and cared for, but that’s not the same addicting drive for MORE that I felt when I was on the treadmill of “success” driven by Fear and Desire. Frankly “duty” just sounds horrible. Just the word sounds like a guilt-driven obligation.  I re...

  An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.  Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.  The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, “only a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?” The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos.  I have a full and busy life.” The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you co...

 Today my friends came in town. One of my closest friends surprised me by showing up. We walked to town a bit and went to the market back at our place to watch the sunset and cook dinner. We started watching the movie Apocalypto. It was about the Mayan call Terr. It’s portrayed as very communal and brutal. It has subtitles and we’re watching it on a very large 27 inch TV :-) so I can barely read the subtitles. The good news is there’s very little dialogue. I think the movies pretty well done. It’s giving me a lot of insight into why some of those core values that I don’t understand such as purity  in group travel behavior and authority are a value. I can see joy in the community members in the movie based on having that community and how those values are reinforced in the tribe.

Today I finished reading the book “the righteous mind”. Super helpful. I was able to complete the forgiveness exercise. Here’s the video. I watched it once. I have no problems letting go of this. There’s a couple misstatements in the video  (six axes not three axes) but that doesn’t really matter.  I really do feel like I can forgive the Christians I grew up with. And as for the rest of the fundamentalist Christians I don’t view them as any more evil than the Taliban. Which is pretty evil. But they don’t upset me when they’re not bombing shit I’m looking forward to approaching Christians with open mindedness towards understanding why they have strong values towards purity and patriotism and authority. I also will do my best to recognize that many of them do value not causing harm to others and fairness. For me this is as intellectually interesting as talking to other foreign groups (I love talking to Mexican women to understand why they let Mexican men treat them in such a sec...

 I spent almost all day today reading the book Bart recommend “ The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided By Politics And Religion” by Jonathan Haidt.  Barts theory is that if I can Intellectually understand the evolution airy biology that led to the tribal way of thinking we have currently in politics and religion I may be able to empathize and ultimately replace my anger with understanding for Christian fundamentalists.  The book suggests that moral judgments don’t arise from any type of rational reflection, but instead gut feelings buried deep inside the subconscious. The divisions that we see in the world in terms of ideology and religion are due to the fact that different people have different internal moral foundations, which come in 6 different flavors. These flavors are: Care/Harm Fairness/Cheating Loyalty/Betrayal/Ingroup Authority/Subversion Sanctity/Degradation/Purity Liberty/Oppression Liberals seem to focus primarily on two of these while conservatives ...

 I went to the yoga sanctuary this morning. Had a wonderful yoga session and a smoothie. I went home and clean the house and figure out how to use the pool. But without a doubt the highlight of my day was a conversation with Bart. Bart is a former evangelical pastor who deconverted. He give me a lot of things to think about. The least of which was considering long-term therapy :). But here my notes from our conversation. I spent the rest of the day in my head noodling these over. Drove to town for some non-Mexican food to watch the sunset while eating a pizza.  Don’t try to forgive yet.  I’m not ready yet,  I’m s till in trauma It is ok to be mad at people when you seeing them do bad things (rapist raping or evangelicals manipulating) I should spend some time trying to understand (academically) why fundamentalist Christian’s have been manipulated into that way of thinking (so understanding replaces the anger). He recommended the book “The Righteous Mind”  Unlike...

 Today was mostly full of setbacks. I tried to run and bike but my legs just wouldn’t move. I definitely burnt them out on the first two days by overdoing it. I’m gonna have to regroup and try this again after my company leaves. I would like to think I accomplished  something today but the reality is I spent most of the day just laying around trying to get energy to move around the house. The article in Runners World magazine came out about me it was picked up by a couple other news sources. I’m not really sure what to do with it. I’ve done my best to devalue my former value of influence. So I think the healthiest thing for me to do is just let it be and not re-post it or brag about it. But since only like maybe six people know about this unlisted but public blog and they all already know about the article here’s the link so I can find it in the future. I found out it went public because some people that I didn’t know contacted me on Strava saying that they found my story ins...

The whole "forgiven the church" thing in Chapter 3 is still in my head, so even this part on fear has become wrapped up in it. I was trying to develop a motto for my "purpose." Here is a stab at it.  A life finding joy in the struggle for a better world without the tyranny of a utopic vision I'll get to fear in a second... but first, I'll pontificate for a minute. All animals have instincts (shelter, procreation, etc.). Once fulfilled, the instinct subsides for a while. Humans also have Drive; Drive is an insatiable desire. Often rooted in an instinct that has gotten into a loop (need for wealth or multiple houses, insatiable sex drive, etc.). Can I track my fears back to the drive and even back to the instinct? My fears and their base drive/instinct:  Being seen as incompetent - This is an unhealthy drive out of my ego Loved ones in pain - Drive to provide safety for loved ones (this is an unhealthy drive out of an instinct to provide security for loved one...

 This morning I'm starting a week with a goal of getting 1000TSS (a way of tracking fitness/workouts). I've never done that much in one week. I chose to do the Ironman. Many people would love to be able to spend this much time and energy on their personal fitness. Today I’m focusing on being grateful for my training.  I had to stop working on Chapter 3 (Forgiveness) as I was getting into a negative space. So I've moved on and am now listening to Think Like a Monk Chapter 4. “Clinging to temporary things gives them power over us, and they become sources of pain and fear. But when we accept the temporary nature of everything in our lives, we can feel gratitude for the good fortune of getting to borrow them for a time.” I brainstormed (no wrong answers): “What am I afraid of losing?”   Spiders Heights Being Broke Being seen as incompetent Death and Aging Hurting others unintentionally Loved ones in pain Hell (not sure what that means) Being a fraud, or being found out ...

I've written and re-written this a dozen times. I am still working out my script for forgiving fundamentalist evangelical Christians... I'm doing my best to follow Shetty's 3 part script (identify their pain, forgive them, ask for forgiveness). Each time I work on this, I catch myself in a state of anger. I'm not sure if/when I'll be ready to read this into the camera and sit with it on the beach. I tried last night, but I gave up pretty quickly between the mosquitoes and genuine anger. I'm putting a pause on processing it for now. Their pain  Erosion of power and influence.   Loss of certainty leading to holding on tighter  The pain of having to hold true to selfish politics based on political and cultural "Rights" to not have to care for the health or happiness of others and, if necessary, disregard the selfless teachings of Christ.  The world is scary, so listening to the fear and anger in the echo chamber professing truth in "strength" ra...

​I was finally able to circumnavigate the entire island on the bike. No flat tires. It was a beautiful ride. Fitness wise it was one of those good days. As I got into the ride I felt stronger. I was able to pick up the pace and effort. I really like riding here. Mentally I’m considering switching from IRONMAN Portugal the IRONMAN Cozumel. 15 miles of the 40mile looked just like this photo (smooth bike path along the beach). But I’m sure Portugal is just as beautiful. As soon as I got home I went down to Punta Sur. It’s a state run environmental park on the very southern tip of the island. It was relatively inexpensive to get in. I think it was like $15. It included a boat tour of the lagoon. I saw some crocodiles.  But overall the boat was pretty boring. I sat on the beach and worked on my forgiveness activity for a while. I’m gonna not think about that for a few days and give myself a break. And then grab my snorkel gear and went for 1000 yard swim because I was told this was some...

​I did some yoga this morning, and worked most of the afternoon.  I spent some time working on the forgiveness exercise (trying to forgive Christians). I am clearly going to need at least another day. The anger is deep and their is so much to unpack.  Everything from causing my trust issues (Dinosaurs were real), to my paranoia of abandonment (don’t encourage 8 year olds to watch “a thief in the night”), to brainwashing my parents and being the wedge that didn’t allow them to love me as myself or me to introduce myself to them, to my distrust of my own thinking (if I don’t hear gods voice in my head I’m going to hell), to the Jesus vs Trump hypocrisy …. The list is long and I’m super jaded towards Christians.  I’m really trying to figure out how to forgive them in a healthy way. I am probably going to have to put a pin in this one, each time I try to work on it I get upset. 

 Today was supposed to be a big workout day. I was going to ride my triathlon bike around the island. I got about 10 miles into it and got a flat. I also realized I didn't have my driver's license and only one spare. So rather than risk it, I turned around.  I worked on Chapter 2. The chapter covers negativity.  I’ve been trying to unpack the question of if I spend a lot of energy on negative thoughts. I realize in my 20s and 30s a lot of my mind was spent in frantic behavior. I was constantly challenging myself to explore one of the thousands of JetSki’s that were going on at the same time in my mind. I was hyper-productive and successful. I was also annoying. During that time my stress and anxiety helped fuel my mania which led to a lot of productivity. When my mind functions like that I do tend to find and solve problems quickly. Sometimes it did become negative thinking. But a lot of times it was just pragmatic.   Recently (as in just this last week) I’ve been s...

 Some friends are reading Think Like a Monk together. We are doing Chapter 1 today. It is about identity. “ I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am “ You can watch the video by clicking on the link. But trigger warning. Don't look at Jay Shetty. He is super hot and his eyes will distract you from the message. A large part of my identity is distorted by how I think others see me. I am driven by my values, which help form my identity. Here are my values and their origins and if they are something I want to keep:  Logic - I grew up being taught all sorts of nonsense. Stuff like "Dinasors are not real because they were not in the bible". When I went to college and learned that, no, Dinosaurs are real... well I lost confidence in A LOT of what I was taught to be factual. I now need to know/understand things using scientific logic before I will adopt them. The one thing I still hold that is completely non-scientific is my faith ...

​ I signed up for a yoga class at 9am. I work up early but didn’t feel like a run and bike was going to fit before the class so I spent a lazy morning before biking to town for the yoga class. I was anxious by the time I got there but did my meditation there. It was nice. I’m trying to just observe and “label” thoughts/feeling as good/neutral/bad as they come in and dismiss them. Example: a thought of “I can FEEL and but on my arm that isn’t going to bite me that’s NEUTRAL”.     My idea is to see how my natural thoughts are good/neutral/bad as a trend, and if it’s adjusting as I work on shit.   I’ve gotten into making Mexican food after that cooking class. Here is breakfast  This afternoon I spent a lot of time thinking about what brings me happiness. Happiness is probably the wrong word. I was trying to figure out what sort of life I want at 55 years old and 65 years old. I realize that a lot of the things I’ve enjoyed in the past or trying new experiences. As ...

Spent some meditation time this morning to try to understand feelings, emotions and thoughts. As somebody on the spectrum the vocabulary used by others is different than mine. I think most people can go from “feeling” to “emotion” (I feel cold, I don’t like it). I have the same emotion reaction to being cold. I don’t “like” it. But my brain goes “feel” then “thought” then “feel” then “thought” then “emotion”. I process I feel hot, oh that’s the sun… it is atypically warm and I am dressed incorrectly… I still feel hot …. I think I don’t like that … ya I don’t like that.     This is an exaggeration and it isn’t a step by step process (seems to happen all at once even though they are sequential logic steps). Why I was trying to unpack was just how I process “feeling” differently then neurotypical person and yet still have strong feelings and emotions.   Workouts today included the 4mile morning run and about 2.5hours on the bike. I went to town to get fresh juice. I mus...

Poor night of sleep   Did meditation in bed around 3am Fell asleep Went on a 2mile fun run to a spot on the beach Posted yesterdays journal  Ran home.  Had some quiet time stretching in the pool and had a breakfast shake Tried to find a Paddy moment … but didn’t. Not sure “faking it” works well for me.    I’ll try again in a day or two.   Instead, Walked around the house for 30.   I had to say goodbye to my jeep today. We named him Darth.  For the most part it rained hard all day. I did bike to town just to see how long it took. It took about an hour round trip if I pushed the mountain Bike at a moderate pace. I stopped at what is quickly becoming “my spot” to watch sunset.  I cooked myself some Mexican food when I got home.  I am going to give myself a few days of no booze and easing myself into being solo. Looking back on my journal from last year I was a bit frantic at the start. It seems to be hard to have “peace” on they hyper compe...

Kims flies home today. So it’s the last post for the preseason. It’s been a great visit. Last night we got an irate email from an employee… I fucking hate that I let work disturb me like this while on personal time. I was up most of the night unable to get it out of my mind. Oh well…   I have taken two days off working out. I’m still committed to Portugal Ironman. But I’m also realizing the approach I have been taking is causing burn out and I need to be more stratigraphic in the workouts. They should either be intentional for a purpose or fun and enjoyable. I need to check in each day to figure out what my mind and body are capable of that day. Sure, as we get 3-4 months out from the race I’ll have to do them even if my mind doesn’t want to… but right now the priority should be on finding how to make them fun again  We spent the day on the beach and then Kim got to see the yoga place I’ll probably be chilling at later in the trip. She trusted them enough to stand in the middl...

Somebody told me it’s typical to feel joy when you notice others are noticing you are happy. That it spreads. I realized that I feel guilt when I notice other people notice I’m happy.     I think I’m worried that I’m either bragging or if they are happy that I’m happy, I will cause them to be sad when my happiness fades.   Not sure how, but at some point it seems to be a good idea to unpack this and try to first figure out how to nurture my own happiness and then figure out how to not judge sharing it as a negative thing.  Today was a fun day. We started with a SCUBA dive and then went to town to get Kims Covid test.  The first place we stopped offered us the negative results without the test, so we left. We found a place inside the government ferry terminal so we assumed it was legit and paid for the test. When we went back to get the results they had closed for lunch. We hung out at and live music venue while waiting for them to reopen. For dinner we went back...