Day 21
My family left this evening. I am solo again. I enjoyed the time with friends and family but I'm excited to get back to working on myself (physically and mentally). I went back over some of my notes for the last two years and tried to summarize it here. I'm wrapping up the chapter on intention in the monk book, but also reading a book called "The Book of Joy" by Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. It is very different than the monk book. It seems to focus on the idea that joy is just an intentional state of mind.
My Values
- Adventure (Challenge, Daring, Freedom, Risk Taking)
- Equality (fairness, equal treatment, helping people in need)
- Security (Stability, logic, reliability, punctuality, Dependability)
- Family (connection, comfort, grounded)
- Pleasure (food, physical, visual)
Things to forgive
- Myself and others for my CIO career and how it ended. Done 2021
- My parents. Done 2021 but I still miss them
- Conservatives and the Christian Church. Done 2022
My Fears
- Being seen as incompetent - This is an unhealthy drive out of my ego
- Loved ones in pain - Drive to provide safety for loved ones (this is an unhealthy drive out of an instinct to provide security for loved ones)
- Abandonment - This is an instinct for community
- Getting caught in an unrighteous act causing judgment or abandonment. - This is an ecclesiastical mutation of a drive that came from the instinct to work within a community.
- Being unable to provide - Again, a drive that grew out of the instinct to provide safety for loved ones
- Death of Kim - Drive to avoid death
- Being unlovable - Again a mutation of a drive that came from instinct to work within a community
So most of my fears come down to My Ego, safety for myself or loved ones, community, and avoiding death.
My foundations of morality (using Haidts 5 foundation model)
- Care/Harm - I am all about this one. I really do think people should be loving to each other even if it costs them something (rational thinking required)
- Fairness - unjust inequalities make me upset. However, I am not above cheating on something I find irritating or irrelevant. I am very loyal
- InGroup (patriotism or feeling a part of a community) - I’m anti-patriotic. I think this type of nationalist or tribal thinking causes more harm than good. I personally view worshiping the flag, country or police causes people to stop thinking about their actions and instead tolerate things they would find immoral if they had to make their own choice.
- Authority - NO! I’ve been lied to by authority figures I put my trust in. Blindly following people due to age, race or title is another thing I feel causes more harm than good
- Sanctity/Purity - I have hang-ups about sex due to a puritanical upbringing but I do believe people should feel free to openly explore anything that is safe, sane and consensual. I really don’t see how sexual “purity” is tied to morality (I am monogamous because that’s the social contract with my partner and to violate that would cause harm, not because sex is something immoral). When it comes to other branches of Sanctity (germs, filth) I don’t have strong options but I prefer not to get sick.
I’ve learned that I value the foundation of Care/Harm above all other foundations of morality. This taints my political lens and is one of the reasons I struggled to understand the conservatives' mindset (where they value all five foundations and this one just a bit less than I do).
Existential world view
For no rational reason, I choose to believe there is a higher power than humanity. I feel all things are somehow interconnected and when I put energy into enhancing this (care for others) I feel connected to something beyond me. But I can’t explain that any better than my dog can explain me to other dogs. I grew up in the American Christian church so that’s the vocabulary I have, but I don’t want to be associated with the term Christian.
What motivates my actions and thoughts
- Fear (financial & relationship security)
- Desire (sex, fitness, adventure)
- Love (deeper connection, sun for self care, friendship)
- Service (solving problems)
I avoid conflict. Most of the time if I can’t be certain the thing I want is available I won’t ask out of fear of rejection, insecurity, and unwillingness to be vulnerable. List of things I want and are they spoken:
- Friends who have similar values and morals. Yes
- Physical Care Massages from my partner. No
- Sunshine and good weather. Yes
- To solve challenging problems. Yes
- Introspective dialog. Sometimes
- Non defensive dialog/feedback with my partner. No
- My partner and I exploring sex with others (maybe never acting on it, but it’s an example of a consistent unspoken fantasy I just avoid talking about). Sometimes
- Kinky fuckary with my partner. Sometimes
- Shared fitness with my partner. No
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