Day 18

 Jay asserts there are four primary motivators that influence the choices we make: Fear, Desire, Duty, Love, and that doing things out of Love and Duty instead of trying to find happiness through success, allows us to achieve more. He says that when we live with a clear sense of why what we do matters, life takes on more meaning and fulfillment.

I do know I spent a lot of my life chasing happiness via “success” and found it unfulfilling no matter how much “success” I achieved. 

But real talk… I don’t feel the same drive and passion with Love and Duty as I did Fear and Desire. I’m not saying I don’t feel Love and Desire. I love Kim and the kids. Without question. But I don’t have a lot of drive around that. I want to ensure they are safe and cared for, but that’s not the same addicting drive for MORE that I felt when I was on the treadmill of “success” driven by Fear and Desire. Frankly “duty” just sounds horrible. Just the word sounds like a guilt-driven obligation. 

I respect Jays' ideas. But I’m struggling with the monk's assertion that joy is found on the path to Duty/Service. 

I think about things I could do to provide service:

• A blog for atypical triathletes 
• Foster care
• 3rd world construction mgt

These things are all just me chasing joy via the hope it is found by being in service to others. They aren’t my “darmah”. I’m built to solve problems by taking an atypical (autistic non-emotional) view. I love to solve problems. But in our world, those are most often tied to helping the rich get richer. 

Some of my friends are leaving today. I asked if they would stay. They have work obligations. I really would like to help people understand their life obligations. 

Sure you could go home and make 40hr*$25/hr for $800 after taxes. If you are living paycheck to paycheck that may be needed. Buy my best friend and my father both died this year. I bet both of them ended life with $800 in their checking account. 

Maybe my darmah is figuring out a way to help people learn “success” isn’t found in work. I’m also not sure it is found in Duty/Service. 

My cell phone is dead. It won't charge. I'm sad how traumatic this has been for me.... I probably won't have many photos from the second half of the trip (I may go purchase a cheap phone soon)