TCI Season 2-5

The monkey mind performed its relentless pirouette in the shadowy corridors of consciousness between the palpable and the enigmatic—a whirlwind of past echoes and future imaginings mingled with the fleeting whispers of the present. As if lost in an internal disruption, the mind's compass spun erratically, seeking an elusive anchor. Without a preamble, the psychedelic voyage launched. A potent elixir, nature's alchemical poem, crashed into the thought storm like a rogue wave. Its presence was disconcerting, unsettling the mind's linguistic labyrinth, yet it carried an imperative invitation to tranquility, a beacon leading back to the sanctuary of the present. The trip did not unfurl slowly but descended like a swift avalanche. Each neuron ignited into a radiant mosaic of colors and sensations, a mirror reflecting the grand ballet of the universe. The monkey mind, adept at traversing its self-spun maze, was suddenly uprooted from its spiraling eddy and dropped into an abyss ...

I am at peace. Similar to trips in the past, some things I did on this trip were: Got in better shape Spent enough time alone to go from feeling lonely to feeling peace in solitude Spent enough time reading and thinking to discover more about myself Spent enough time drinking and meeting new people to know that I'm a hermit at heart But unlike other trips, I'm not coming home with a big "I am going to do an Ironman" type goal or some revelation that I can most past some previous trauma. This time I'm going home with contentment.  During my time, I spent time in meditation (Vipassana), reflecting back on my lifetime and some of my reoccurring thoughts. I also did Metta meditation, reflecting on how much I love myself and those around me.  I wrote down many thoughts that are too personal to put in a blog, but the short version is I am VERY content.  Even the nonsense with mom only sidetracked my contentment for a day or two. That would have wrecked the old me and pr...

 My brother texted today. He lost his job. This instantly flashed me back to when I lost my career. I got to share with him a story my massage therapist at the gym told me last week. She was a Thai Military Nurse who got her credentials in Korea when she moved to Korea to work in a hospital. She violated a nursing law in Korea by doing something that is legal in Thailand. As a result, she was charged with a crime and lost her nursing license in Thailand after being extradited from Korea. This caused her to lose face with the family she was supporting, and she now works as a masseuse for the gym and a local massage parlor. The massage parlor has offered to send her to Europe to work as a sex worker so she can continue to support her family, even though they won't see her again because she has lost face. She said this matter of fact like it was not a big deal. She was more interested in what I thought about Europe and it didn’t seem like the thought of being sex trafficted was even a...

The scene opens with me surrounded by my loving family. I look around and feel a sense of warmth and security. This was the first level I completed in the game. I remember all the happy times I've had with my family, the support they given me, and how much they mean to me. Next, the scene shifts to a more serious tone as I remember the second level I completed. I worked hard to build my career, but eventually lost it. I feel a sense of loss and disappointment, but also a sense of resilience and determination but ultimately grateful as I would not have progressed to other levels if I remained stuck here. As the scene progresses, I see myself challenging my body physically, pushing myself to new limits, and achieving goals I never thought possible. I feel proud of what I've accomplished and grateful for the strength and endurance I've gained. The game then takes me on a tour of the world, reminding me of all the amazing places I've seen and the experiences I've had. I...

Who am I, you ask? The answer, elusive and fleeting,  For I am but the present moment. As captain of this chip, I stand, With body and mind under my command, But my cocaine-fueled monkey co-pilot named "Thoughts," Takes control and leads me to fraughts. Let us embrace this moment in time, With all its chaos and uncertainty, For in the impermanence of existence, We discover the truth of Who I am.

  When the "sinner" in me intentionally does something "bad" in a way that won't get caught, it creates a feeling of tension. It's similar to the adrenaline rush you feel when you suspect someone has broken into your home. Oddly, I sometimes desire this feeling, despite the discomfort it brings. However, when I'm sure I won't get caught and I'm "free" from the tension, I feel guilty, ashamed, satiated, and a sense of "acceptance" (although it's not the right word). As a child, my parents celebrated my rebellion against the authority of the school system, and I learned that "sinning" was okay if I didn't get caught. Unfortunately, the guilt lingers and feeds the "I am a bad person" narrative. These positive feelings of adrenaline, satiation, and acceptance create a habitual cycle of misbehavior. This habit of intentionally breaking rules in a way that won't get caught is so intense that once I st...

I want to clarify that my last post may have given the impression that I'm having a rough time due to the issues with my mom, but that couldn't be further from the truth. While it's sad to say goodbye, it's a relief to have her be the one to call it quits on our toxic relationship. Despite her mental health issues, she was not willing to respect the boundaries I needed for my own safety, and after decades of emotional abuse, I'm happy I stood up for myself. Normally, on trips like this, I have moments of introspection and set goals for myself. I've done some of that, but this trip has been different in a profound way. I'm at peace. I actually love myself and am happy just being present and doing whatever. Don't get me wrong, I don't love being in the snow of MN, but my mental and physical health is strong enough that I could probably manage being a "zen Mo-fo" anywhere. The biggest change for me has been daily meditation. I sometimes call i...

The last few days have been hard. Jet lag hasn’t helped. The abundance of workouts, given my current state of fitness, hasn’t helped. But even with those challenges, I could maintain relative composure as I said goodbye to my mom via email. We have been emailing for the last week to see if we could have a relationship. Even though her emails were abrasive, I felt I could maintain calm and composure and continue to offer her an olive beach of loving-kindness. Ultimately, she decided there wasn’t a path forward for a relationship. I will be ok. I understand she likely has some mental health issues compounded by her worldview, and my way of life causes her too much pain (she believes I will go to hell since I don’t practice her religion the same way she does). While we no longer have a relationship, I will still meditate/pray for her wellness daily.   Yesterday I watched this sunrise, praying for her well-being, health, and happiness and that her mind is free from anger, greed, and de...

 I did a fun food tour in old Phuket. The word melon is called FUK here so it is normal to say things like "I would like another FUK". The old tour guide we had really liked this joke.  We started the tour in the market and went to four different restaurants and a food cart before I had to bail on the 5th restaurant to get back for my muay Thai lesson. I miss my dog. But this playful little chihuahua in the front office lets me play with it. The fruit here is super fresh. The Orange FUK (mango) is my favorite. 

​ Travel days. Left the house at 6:30am Saturday and got to my hotel at Sunday.   I meditated for 30min upon arriving the airport. It was hard to focus on my breath. It was interesting that my thoughts were what distracted me from my meditation not the brightness of the lights in the airport or the minimal noise that got past the noise-canceling headphones and ambient rain sounds I had playing. Last year I could meditate in noisy public places without any gadgets. But I think I am focusing a lot more this year. I also know I’m excited for my trip so that may be what’s causing the racing thoughts.  Listened to a conversation between Professors Anthony Huberman (neuroscientist) and Jordon Peterson (Psychologist). One topic was the area of the brain called Nucleolus Reunions (midline thalamus area) that when stimulated would convert a terrified non confrontational being to on that would healthy approach it’s fears. This part of the brain has a direct tie to the dopamine system. D...

Two days until I depart. I'm getting ready to leave... starting to make my list of what I will be working on in Thailand.  Here is a note I just sent to both the offspring.... During my meditation today, I concluded I'm not autistic... at least not born with autism, but I have some autistic behaviors, such as poor emotional intelligence.    I realized that I was taught: I was born bad (biblical doctrine of inherited depravity) If I misbehaved, I would be abandoned (God wouldn't talk to me, and he would rapture my parents. I watched my parents excommunicate anybody they felt was sinful, including my grandma and brother, and ultimately me.)  My mom has struggled her entire life to feel unconditional love for herself, from others, and for others, including her children. As a result, when conflict arose, I would suppress any response so my "bad" self wouldn't accidentally misbehave and get abandoned. This evolved to a habitual behavior of "flee from conflict,...