Days 4-6

The last few days have been hard. Jet lag hasn’t helped. The abundance of workouts, given my current state of fitness, hasn’t helped. But even with those challenges, I could maintain relative composure as I said goodbye to my mom via email. We have been emailing for the last week to see if we could have a relationship. Even though her emails were abrasive, I felt I could maintain calm and composure and continue to offer her an olive beach of loving-kindness. Ultimately, she decided there wasn’t a path forward for a relationship. I will be ok. I understand she likely has some mental health issues compounded by her worldview, and my way of life causes her too much pain (she believes I will go to hell since I don’t practice her religion the same way she does). While we no longer have a relationship, I will still meditate/pray for her wellness daily. 

Yesterday I watched this sunrise, praying for her well-being, health, and happiness and that her mind is free from anger, greed, and delusion. I said my final goodbye. 

As a result of all this, my mind is not as calm as it was before I left. I sat in meditation today for 45min and kept becoming sad with thoughts about my mother. After 20-30min of concentration on my breath, where it 10% was successful, and 90% was sadness, I realized that the thoughts of sadness were not helpful. They are still there, but I observed the meaning behind “anger causes suffering” and just be present and compassionate to yourself and others (well, 10% of the time). 

I had a joyful moment yesterday when I was sitting on a beautiful beach and feeling sad. I closed my eyes and followed the instructions on this song my son sent me. When my eyes opened, I could see kids playing, families laughing, and couples on their honeymoon. Life is good.