TCI Season 2-5

42 The concepts of self and “how to finish” were the key parts of this trip. I touched a bit of discovery of    “self” during the meditations. But I don’t think I explored it far enough to fully grasp it. There was a moment when I experienced the observation that self is no more real than thoughts are, it is temporary and transitory and something I use to help myself feel better.  The focus of “how to end” was also a key part of this trip. The three areas were “friendship”, “Horemones” and “Partnership”.   The friendship one was a bit of a challenge. I had two friends show up on the trip and one of them I don’t feel drawn to see again. I felt very disrespected by them and the tribe they brought with them. This is in stark contrast to my previous experience with them, so I feel I owe it to them to discuss this with them before I move on. I don’t mind the ‘disrespect’ but it was more fundamental than that, one of them actually went out of their way to try to con...

 Mostly Kite surfed again today.  I officially gave up on A’s Kite Shack. He had me use a kite with a small tare in it that had some tape on it. I heard them the other day talk about how it really should be fixed but that they could likely get one or two more lessons out of it.  I went out with it and it ripped pretty bit during one of my crashes. He then had me try the same size kite but was for advanced riders. He warned me “not fuck up, it is like a fararri and you have been driving a Toyota”.  I yeeted myself pretty high into the air twice, once during a crash.  I said I didn’t feel safe. He told me to sit on the beach to wait for the 8M kite. I waited 3 hours… I walked to Velo and scheduled the lessons for the rest of the week. I went for a UV night dive. I was worried about missing the sunset, bit it was one of the best I have experienced.  We put on our BCD’s and swam out right and the sun was hitting the horizon. I went underwater and started the di...

 Had a kite lesson with Armando.  Out of the 2 hours I kited 30 minutes (hyper unorganized and really wanted me to body drag back to the board rather than get it in the boat).  But the wind was great and it felt really solid today. After the lesson I sat on the beach for a while trying to figure out this Low Testosterone issue.  The way I see it is that it is a lifetime commitment in both time and cost. It also brings back my hyper sex drive.  So I had been pretty reluctant to do that.  But I just have no energy. I was watching a guy who is a bit older than I am (probably mid-50s) rock it on his Kite. I don’t’ know his back story, but I know mine (I’m an Ironman who does cross fit but can’t stay out past 10PM even if I really want to).  I don’t want to fade away. I want to fight it.  I need to make sure Kim’s on board with helping manage my sex drive if it returns (It is super strange that the year she engaged in co-ownership in my sex drive is al...

Past few days I’ve been in a mental funk. I kite surfed daily and probably pushed it a bit too hard and my body and mind became exhausted.  I have been overly concerned about the impact other unhealthy mindset has on me.  Sometimes others are of pure monkey mind. No judgment. But when it happens I can’t help but having it happen to me too. Even when I try to respond rather than react, the frantic barrage of the others monkey mind overwhelms my fragile ability to be present.  I can’t seem to figure out how to enhance this ability so it isn’t so fragile. It’s frustrating to me and the last few days have been unlucky as Kim’s been unwell.  Today Steph arrived and we with about with Mayleene and Javier for dinner after sunset and then to Momba Bar.  Steph went out late with Armando. I just didn’t have the enery or desire to go out so I went back and crashed around 10PM (which is still late for me these days).  The dinner was a lot of fun. Javier is Linux Sysadm...

Ahhh... Today was a good day, like the first real day of this trip. Yes, the day I realized that self-is-an-illusion was “enlightening”, and the day I spent trying to figure out if I should get on testosterone supplements when I get back was "helpful" (not really, as I haven't figured that out yet), and the days I've spent doing death meditations have been "interesting" (I'm much more comfortable with my own death)... but so far, this trip has been a 3 out of 10 on the personal growth scale. I never felt the vibe I normally get on these trips. I was starting to fear it was because of low testosterone and that I was just "more tired" than I used to be. Today was different. I haven't meditated at all today (maybe I will before bedtime, but probably not... "Ballers" is calling). I think what has been missing is the counter-culture of America. The dirt road. Today, I got up early for my kite lesson (8:30 AM). It was OK. I had a few re...

 I really haven’t been doing much introspection lately. I am still enjoying the Waking Up meditation app, but I haven’t done a death meditation in the last few days. I have been focused on kite surfing. I took a lesson from somebody at Armando’s and it was a miss again. I’ve decided to just focus on going to the place that is professional. Part of me feels bad because I want to support a friend, but also “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm” so I am practicing that.

 Two days in a row of nothing but chilling out.  I watched f1 at the imax today. I am starting to feel recharged a bit and have signed up for kit lessons for the next few days.   I haven’t done any deep introspection or death meditations or anything existential the last two days, but the “waking up” meditation app I’ve been using has been hitting hard. I am glad I found this. It’s my new go to guided meditation 

Today’s kite surfing lessons was not good. I had think I’ve been pushing too hard in some way of trying to ignore that I’m older and my body can’t keep up with multiple workouts a day.  I’m goinng to take the next few days off everything.   I asked the family to listen to Ren songs are “money game 1,2 and 3 “.  Here is #1 https://youtu.be/0ivQwwgW4OY?si=1ipq_zHIDVIja89t

 Another great lesson. I’m able to get up going both directions and can stay up going left. Best of ride was 2.5 minutes with a change of direction (not exactly on purpose as I’m not trained on how to do it, but I just decided I was too far from the boat, slowed down and launched in the other direction.  I ended the ride exactly where I started according to the GPS). My left leg is going to be the deciding factor on if I can do this. I’m having problems holding and edge on that foot. We are going to try and edgier board tomorrow. Really happy with how I’ve progressed the last two lessons.  I almost didn’t go today as I’m fatigued.  So glad I did and I’m looking forward to tomorrow   I love this quote "The courage to be is rooted in the God who appears when God has disappeared in the anxiety of doubt." For me, it talks aboutv how something meaningful is there when you give up holding onto religion.  Thru meditation/mindfulness I don’t struggle to have “the c...

​ Progress today kitesurfing.  I am now able to get up going left about 25% of the time and going right about 5%.  Once up I can stay up going left and am starting to learn how to edge.  Going right’s still a shit show.  Draft answer to “the hard problem of consciousness” (how/why do our physical brains produce quali/subjective) Consciousness emerges as a simplification mechanism for the complex patterns processed by the brain, which originate from our sensory inputs. Through practices such as meditation, one can become increasingly aware of the sensations that underlie thoughts and feelings, indicating that consciousness extends beyond just a reactive state to stimuli, to a deeper awareness of the present moment. This awareness, however, when filtered through the concept of 'self', tends to narrow our focus, allowing us to consciously perceive only a limited array of stimuli at any given time. Despite this limitation, a state of 'bare awareness' can provide a broade...

 Today has been mostly about working out. I didn’t wake up in time for a run before sun-up so I went to the morning CrossFit class and then did my run in the heat of the day. I went back to the casa and did my meditation and tried to get my body temp back to normal range before heading to the beach.  So far I haven’t missed a sunset yet :) I’m wrapping up the book on “Waking up”.  I think the non-dualism concept is a bit advanced for my current meditation practice. I’m still learning focus/concentration (TicTok doesn’t help) part of mindfulness.  I do really appreciate the openness by which this more advanced meditator shares his ideas, it is helpful to not have to feel so “lost” all the time. But I think it was a bit too deep, at least for right now.  The good thing I got out of it is his meditation app.  So far I’m on day 8 and love his approach to guided meditations and some of the ‘podcast’ episodes.  Kim said she has started to read From Strength ...

Today has been rather uneventful in terms of meditation or productivity. Although I had a satisfying 5k run last night, unfortunately, my gout flared up afterward. With no breeze in sight and CrossFit closed, I ventured into the main town, only to find it disappointingly crowded with cruise ship tourists. While I haven't dedicated much time to meditation or study today, my thoughts have gravitated towards yesterday's realization about the illusion of self. I grasp the concept intellectually, yet it poses a challenge when considering the aspects of life I hold dear, particularly my relationship with Kim. So much of what I value seems intertwined with notions of "Me" and "her." Navigating this understanding feels akin to grasping a single verb in a new language—I need more vocabulary to fully express or comprehend it. At this juncture, I find myself grappling with the question: How does adopting a non-dualistic perspective impact the fundamental aspects of my ...

 This is a two day post.  Yesterday I spent a lot of the time working out, meditating and thinking about this.  This morning I was mediating while waiting on the Kite Surfing lessons to start and I think it all clicked.   Daily reflections on mortality have aided me in embracing the impermanence inherent in all things. Every entity faces its end eventually. Embracing this truth, I strive to be a compassionate observer of each passing moment. Succinctly put, it's about "Lovingly witnessing the present." (My sentence of the day for yesterday’s game with Steph) I've come to realize that perpetually seeking improvement undermines the capacity to find contentment in the here and now. This realization troubles me because my study of mindfulness initially stemmed from a desire for self-improvement. It transcends mere acceptance of the impermanence of my physical form or the recognition that my pursuit of betterment reflects dissatisfaction with the present moment. It strike...

 No wind again today. I’m not working out today to see if I can get my HRV into a normal range and so I can be ready for my run test tomorrow.  I sat around the house most of the morning (made pancakes, and helped Kim overcome an AT&T outage).  I did my morning “death meditation”.  This one was the classic 9 stage Buddhist death meditation. I think on a scale form 1-10 I started this trip about a 1 or 2 on the “am I comfortable and aware of my own death or am I avoiding thinking about it and a bit fearful” scale.  Intellectually I’m probably a 5 now, but I’m still probably just about a 3.  I’m aware I will die, but I’m not sure I know I will.  I don’t like to think about it. It is easy to take the superficial “it happens to all of us” type approach to dismiss having to grow comfortable with it, that is what I have done my entire life.  I’m starting to get more comfortable sitting with it in meditation, but still only a 3.  I think the bes...

​my body battery has been hovering between 5 and 20 the last two days.  Yesterday the kite surf instructor canceled again at the last minute (3 days in a row he has had a last minute reschedule).  I signed up for an 830am lesson at a different school but their is no wind. I’m rescheduled for Friday, which may be awkward because the guy I’m staying with return’s Thursday.  I’m sitting with the fact it’s awkward but also the right thing for me.  I went to CrossFit since the kite lesson was rescheduled , probably shouldn’t have. I’m spending the rest of the day resting as I’ve really been over doing it.  Today’s meditation was on how our body is of nature and we place value in it but the reality is nature doesn’t care. I spoke to Steph today about her song writing camp and we said we would each try to write a sentence of imagery each day.  This is mine for today:  Someday, like the overlooked apple decaying in the dirt, my body will rot—nature shows no me...

The Kite Surf yesterday really got in my head. The instructor (Tim) is here by himself and is giving me a “lesson” while also running the store. He also seems to be distracted (looses things, or people take things and he can’t find them). It isn’t much of a lesson. He sends me go out on the kite and if I crash will come pick me up on the boat. I wasn’t really able to get up yesterday. It was more of a “up and down” a lot. I only really crashed once. But the two times he needed to pick me up I was WAY OUT away from shore. Both times it was starting to feel unsafe to me.  I picked this place to get lessons from because of safety (they seem to be the only one with an active boat during lessons).  I had assumed the “lesson” would involve him being close by in the boat and giving me advice on what I”m doing wrong. I think I understand how to stand up, but I don’t understand how to get power in the kite to keep going.. One time a few days ago the boat was “out of gas” and had to go ...

 Today has been a good day so far. I woke up at sunrise and went for a short run. I then went to CrossFit for an hour. I was tired from the kite surfing and running the last few days, but luckily the workout was mostly upper body so I was able to do it. The stretching really felt good. I need to remember to do a light workout/stretch even on days I don’t really workout. I then went to the store to get a small blender to make protein shakes. Mid day I did the first of the death meditations. It was super creepy and I was tired. I would have fallen asleep if it were not so creepy. I will need to do it again when I’m more rested. I get the point of it (to really know, and not just understand that we are not our body). I’ve got a KiteSurfing lesson later this afternoon and plan to go to a bar to watch the Daytona500.  I’m started listening to the book “waking up” by Sam Harris. He is a rabid atheist, and this is his book about how to have an existential “faith” without religion and...

 Dropped Kim and Duane off at the airport. Shifted to the solo part of this trip. I’m still not 100% sure I know what I want to work on during this trip.  I have been spending time listening to the book Strength to Strength. The book is about how to live the second half of life. The book’s key points are: 1) The decline is coming. We shift from fluid intelligence to crystallized intelligence (wisdom).   2) Redeisgn your ‘career’ to get a second curve as you fluid intelligence dwindles, try to make the career about service if possible 3) Stop questing for “success” (it is an addition) 4) learning to want less, rather than get more is a better way to feel satisfaction as we age.  What items do I hold onto that I could let go of (how strongly I hold my political views) 5) Ponder your death until you become comfortable with it. I think since Denny/Dad I am much better at this. I still should do the Maranasati meditation (death meditation) at some point. 6) To be happy - ...

Podcast notes 1) ​what do I want the end of this to look like? 2) say it now.  3) “it’s either too late or almost too late” and I don’t want that for my life… 44 people on a gratitude journey  4) finish strong- in the next few years (3-5) what do I want to feel my life was complete 

​ I got a little time in the pool today to start to listen to the Peter Attia podcast on Gratitude.  It was nice to spend 30 minutes or so being introspective. I was able to think a bit more about the fear I have been having around the low testosterone levels (more so the energy/muscle/libido loss). The fear isn’t of getting older or of death. Maybe I have those fears, too. But after sitting with it for a while I think the fear is of losing control. The decline (in energy, libido, testosterone, etc) is not something I chose and is against the life I desire (well, having a more balanced/healthy libido is not… but even that I don’t like because I’ve been wanting it so long and Kim just shifted into being my partner and I have wanted that for decades). If it really is just loss of control that I’m fearing and not aging, I can let it go. I have control. I can get HRT if needed.   But it isn’t needed today. Once Kim and her dad are gone and I start my routine… well it’ll be good to...

​ Kim’s dad is in town.   I’m having fun with them doing all the touristy things. My role in this phase of the trip is to service Kim and help her create memories with her dad.   I’m enjoying the time. I’m also looking forward to spending some time with her  

​ We saw S, D&C off to the airport.   I’m greatful for the time with them and am hopeful S can return while I’m down here as she needs to get up on that Kite. The visit with D&C wasn’t as full filling as it usually is.   Some of the discussions with C were too uncomfortable for me and D was often either occupied with her or imbibing.   I am hopeful he and I can reconnect at some point. Steph, Kim and I got to see some of the big carnival parade Kim and I got to go on an early morning horseback ride.  We galloped along the beach which was the highlight of my trip so far.  

​ This morning I got up on the Kite and Steph got a photo of it.   Today was a transition day. Kim arrived and we went out to eat at a steak house. D was hungover so it was just Kim S and C who went to dinner with me. I made some comment to Kim and she responded in a way that I felt isolated and judged rather than partners. It was really saddening because I had been looking forward to her arrival and to a dinner with her and all my friends. But it was a rainy dinner. 

​ Spent most of the day doing kite surfing lessons. Best sunset of the week so far.   Spent some time trying to understand what it means to get older. My energy and libido seem to be changing (declining). I did a bit too much kite surfing.   I had to stop at hour 3.5 of two 2 hour lessons. My body and mind were fatigued.   I tried to push thru it and couldn’t. My libido has also been at or near zero all week (not typical). I had been experiencing this the last few months at home but had attributed it to just the depression of MN winter.   I do feel a lighter / happier spirit here in the sun than I do in MN. But the energy level is similar. I know it’s just the next phase of life … I think part of me is scared of it. So I’m trying to get past that so I can assess if I want to delay it with Hormone Replacement therapy.   I don’t want to decide on that until I’m sure the decision isn’t being made by fear.  

​ Slept until about 11am. Rain day. Hung out at Airbnb. Did a little work. Mostly resting. We went to Carnival. Armando‘s party bus left his place at 9 PM and I got off of it at around 4 AM. Armando is a hoot. There was dancing and not much introspection. We met some really nice locals that took us under their wing and gave us an awesome Carnival experience.    I think I’m a bit worried about getting old/tired so I tried to stay out later and do more than my body needs. I’m glad I did it and it will be fun memories dancing on the bus with friends.   But I did notice I was fixated on “when will I sleep” and even more importantly “will this be the last bathroom we find” that I missed some of the experience.  But I was present for most of it.

​ Spent the day with friends. Did the pirate boat thing. It wasn’t as fun as the one in Mexico but the pizza place we went afterwards was the best pizza I’ve ever had. No introspection again today. Just messing around.  

​ Tried to run.   Both knees hurt. Returned on a limp/walk. Stretched in pool after taking some alive. Didn’t sleep much (heart rate and HRV both show signs of stress). AC in room got fixed so that’s nice. Feeling low energy and I’m not sure how much is typical vs change in testosterone level. I know I will get more rest when friends aren’t here.  

I rana back from the morning group hike and they were going to meet me at the house. Instead they went and got lunch. I sat around waiting for an hour and decided to not wait around anymore (I sat around for 3 hours yesterday waiting for them). Everybody doing their own   bother me, but I was bothered by the lack of communication about change of plans and that I was just stuck waiting again. I decided that they are going to do their own thing and I will make every opportunity possible for them to join me, but unlike previous trips I’m not going to fund/schedule their time as I was starting to feel taken advantage of. I went grocery shopping with Steph. We came back and we all went to lighthouse and beach to watch sunset before buying supplies from a guy at mumbo jumbo. Came home. Cooked spaghetti. C was pressuring Steph to perform and was rather drunk, I got a bit defensive of Steph not having to entertain us and C responded pretty aggressively “I’ll just go inside and do the dishe...

​ Day 1 Lots in my mind: Testosterone bloodwork results came back and they are lowering significantly. Explains loss of energy and focus.   It’s getting bad enough I will want to address it before it gets so bad I won’t.   But I’m also expecting a lower (normal?) libido which is freeing in some ways but not me in others.   I have less energy and focus but I also have less distracting thoughts about sex.   It’s timely this is happening while I’m away for six weeks. I plan to meet with the doctor when I get back and see if he want to do hormone replacement therapy. But I also want to see what this is like over the next month and a half.   Last night the kids came over. We played “not strangers” and some of the answers (loneliness, etc) were hard to hear but I’m also greatful that their peer group seems to have picked up on it and they have built a supportive community independent of us I’m exhausted. I am struggling with minor insomnia and for the last 4 days I ...