day 22

Today has been rather uneventful in terms of meditation or productivity. Although I had a satisfying 5k run last night, unfortunately, my gout flared up afterward. With no breeze in sight and CrossFit closed, I ventured into the main town, only to find it disappointingly crowded with cruise ship tourists.

While I haven't dedicated much time to meditation or study today, my thoughts have gravitated towards yesterday's realization about the illusion of self. I grasp the concept intellectually, yet it poses a challenge when considering the aspects of life I hold dear, particularly my relationship with Kim. So much of what I value seems intertwined with notions of "Me" and "her." Navigating this understanding feels akin to grasping a single verb in a new language—I need more vocabulary to fully express or comprehend it.

At this juncture, I find myself grappling with the question: How does adopting a non-dualistic perspective impact the fundamental aspects of my life, such as my marriage? There's a lingering fear of the unknown, a reluctance to let go of familiar constructs in exchange for a more expansive view of reality.

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Todays sentence is: Paralyze by fear non-dualism will impact things important to “me”

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I grew up with religion but found it too toxic and lacking the genuine love needed to be "real," so I walked away. However, I still choose to believe in something greater than myself because the notion of a greater purpose/understanding makes me feel good.

The more I meditate, the more I understand that "self" is just another temporary "illusion."

I have been trying to figure out my beliefs about what happens to me after "I" die. I want to, but I don't believe in an "afterlife" where my "self" reunites with loved ones on streets paved with gold or in some form of "rebirth." These concepts seem to be ideas designed to placate the fear of the void and are not based on anything substantial.

Consciousness in the present moment brings "me" contentment and holds great value in this moment. I wish I weren't so distracted by the self and thoughts.

I guess what I'm trying to understand is: Is consciousness merely an emergent property of brain activity, or does it transcend the brain? I wonder when and how AI consciousness will emerge and if that will simply reset the simulation.

I am not sure why I’m willing to believe in a higher power to feel good but reluctant to believe in an afterlife to feel good. Probably because I am afraid if I choose to think of existence after this one I may fail to squeeze every drop out of this life.  Where believing in a higher power helps keep my ego in check.

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I was watching sunset on the beach. Some lady lost her keys. I asked if I could help her find them. Her name was Isla or something like that (trying to remember so I can bug her tomorrow). She works at Vela, the place I’ve been getting lessons. We got to talking. Armando is known as a great kite surfer and partier and a good instructor.  Tim (the guy Armando had me take lessons with) is “the worst instructor on the island”.  She said the guy I’m using at Vela (Nicholas) is good but talks a lot (he is Italian and talks A LOT). She said to switch to Tod as Nicholas is likely leaving the island soon.