Day 42

42

The concepts of self and “how to finish” were the key parts of this trip. I touched a bit of discovery of  “self” during the meditations. But I don’t think I explored it far enough to fully grasp it. There was a moment when I experienced the observation that self is no more real than thoughts are, it is temporary and transitory and something I use to help myself feel better. 

The focus of “how to end” was also a key part of this trip. The three areas were “friendship”, “Horemones” and “Partnership”.  

The friendship one was a bit of a challenge. I had two friends show up on the trip and one of them I don’t feel drawn to see again. I felt very disrespected by them and the tribe they brought with them. This is in stark contrast to my previous experience with them, so I feel I owe it to them to discuss this with them before I move on. I don’t mind the ‘disrespect’ but it was more fundamental than that, one of them actually went out of their way to try to convince me how bad of a person they were and how they secretly wish ill on their patients while showing them a caring face. I don’t mind having troubled friend (I actually like it) but in all cases I feel drawn to them only if they are working on some form of improvement. In this case the person was talking about how bad they were and how they were actually leaning into that. It was disgusting to be around.  I had another friend join me on the trip and they returned for a second visit, we became much closer. I greatly valued that time and look forward to seeing them again soon. Finally, I realized almost all of my “friends” back at home are “deal friends” and not “real friends”.  Only one reached out to me to see how I was doing during the six weeks. I greatly valued that. I realized most of the others were “deal friends” in that if I host a board game night or invite them to an event they will show up for the deal, but we are not real friends that are doing life together.

My energy level is lower than it has been on previous trips. This was frustrating as it was also impacting my concentration. The good news is my libido was also lower so that made that issue not as much of an issue. I decided to talk to the doctor about horemone replacement therapy when I get home. 

The partnership front was hot-and-cold. We had some stressful exchanges where I think we both felt hurt and unheard by the other. I wrote about it in my notes to process it, and think I am past it. The fun part is that I am super excited to have her spend a year doing what I’ve been doing the last 6 weeks. I’m excited to see the person she can be when free from the stress of work.