Day 30

 When the "sinner" in me intentionally does something "bad" in a way that won't get caught, it creates a feeling of tension. It's similar to the adrenaline rush you feel when you suspect someone has broken into your home. Oddly, I sometimes desire this feeling, despite the discomfort it brings.

However, when I'm sure I won't get caught and I'm "free" from the tension, I feel guilty, ashamed, satiated, and a sense of "acceptance" (although it's not the right word). As a child, my parents celebrated my rebellion against the authority of the school system, and I learned that "sinning" was okay if I didn't get caught. Unfortunately, the guilt lingers and feeds the "I am a bad person" narrative. These positive feelings of adrenaline, satiation, and acceptance create a habitual cycle of misbehavior.

This habit of intentionally breaking rules in a way that won't get caught is so intense that once I start obsessing about doing something inappropriate, I find it challenging to stop until I've acted on it. Usually, the one line I resist crossing is doing harm to someone I love, but even that line can be disregarded if the drive is strong enough for a prolonged period.

How do I break this cycle? My plan is to explore both Eastern and Western approaches by discussing it with my therapist and Bhante (monk mentor).