Day 10

The whole "forgiven the church" thing in Chapter 3 is still in my head, so even this part on fear has become wrapped up in it. I was trying to develop a motto for my "purpose." Here is a stab at it.

 A life finding joy in the struggle for a better world without the tyranny of a utopic vision

I'll get to fear in a second... but first, I'll pontificate for a minute. All animals have instincts (shelter, procreation, etc.). Once fulfilled, the instinct subsides for a while. Humans also have Drive; Drive is an insatiable desire. Often rooted in an instinct that has gotten into a loop (need for wealth or multiple houses, insatiable sex drive, etc.). Can I track my fears back to the drive and even back to the instinct?

My fears and their base drive/instinct: 

• Being seen as incompetent - This is an unhealthy drive out of my ego
• Loved ones in pain - Drive to provide safety for loved ones (this is an unhealthy drive out of an instinct to provide security for loved ones)
• Abandonment - This is an instinct for community 
• Getting caught in an unrighteous act causing judgment or abandonment. - This is an ecclesiastical mutation of a drive that came from the instinct to work within a community.
• Being unable to provide  - Again, a drive that grew out of the instinct to provide safety for loved ones
• Death of Kim - Drive to avoid death
• Being unlovable - Again a mutation of a drive that came from instinct to work within a community

So most of my fears come down to My Ego, safety for myself or loved ones, community, and avoiding death.

Most western world views for how to deal with excess drive are hedonistic (either nihilistic, nothing matters, so everything is ok, or religious to use higher power to take away the fear/drive). Most eastern views are repressive  (wrong word), but Jay Shetty and Buddhism teach an "enlightened detachment" from the fear/drive. I'm not sure any of this is a good fit for me. The human condition is this drive. Why detach from it like a monk, hedonistically indulge it, or religiously suppress it? Why not just let it be? I understand fear can lead to unhealthy behavior. It can create or be driven by unhealthy drives. But rather than detaching from them, indulging them, or praying the fear away, I think allowing them to exist may be healthy. 

On the workout front... today is Day 2 of my 7-day quest to get to 1000TSS in a week. I'm so tired from yesterday... but today I biked 40 miles and did 2hr of yoga. All of my electronics seem to be conspiring against me on this trip (laptop charger, cellphone charger, bike battery, etc)... but those are first-world problems and help ground me to my privilege. 

I spent the evening at the yoga retreat. We also did a guided meditation where we talked to our child self. I told young me that it was going to be OK and that we didn't have to be scared of abandonment because I would always be there for us. The old me felt strong and could comfort the young me. The young me was sad when I told him about our parents. He didn't understand why. The young me was happy when he learned how my life turned out (found somebody who loves me, play a lot of video games, and get to ride my bike a lot).