Day 19

 

What do I truly want? 

Friends. Solving problems. Adventure. Financial security. Relationship security

What are my desires? 

Sex. Sun. Feeling young/fit. Deeper (not defensive) connection 

Why do I want what I want? 

I get depressed when it is cold/dark

I fear abandonment 

I feel like I contribute when I’m solving problems 

I love to try new things

What are the intentions behind my desires? 

Fear (financial & relationship security), Desire (sex, fitness, adventure), Love (deeper connection, sun for self care, friendship), Service (solving problems)

Do I define myself by my intentions or by my achievements/career? 

I use to define myself by achievements/career. I’ve worked hard to overcome that. I am at a healthy state now. I definitely define myself by my intention at the moment. I’m still fearful of falling back into the habit of defining myself by achievements/career. Sometime I think about going back to work just to get new problems to solve, or engaging in Prima in a way to transition it to the next level. But I am worried I would start to identify myself in my career again. I think I’m at a really healthy but atypical place. 

Am you living my  intentions? If not, why not?

Yes and no

Yes - I define myself by my intentions. I have a life of adventure 

No - MN winter is not good for my mental health. This mid winter break is helpful but I wish we just lived somewhere where it is sunny and warm year round and we had friends close by. 

I’m going to do an exercise periodically when I have time to identify an ideal 55-65 year old life. Here is an example:

Where: sunny year round. Not too cold or too humid at any point during the year. People are kind, hospitable and open minded 

What:  retreat center with horses where we can also provide temporary foster care for kids in need

My vision on the retreat center idea is that every week a different group of people come in and learn from each other (I’m guessing most of the time they be facilitated by a subject matter expert that we would help provide support to) and I get to experience the problem-solving associated with having different groups come in. I want to make a season in our life for Kim owns a horse. What Kim and I do the best his parents kids. I don’t wanna start over and adopt. But I think providing service of helping kids in need (as long as it’s for less than a year) could be something really good at.

The primary downside I see in this version is twofold. One, the level of risk because it’s a relatively large endeavor (at least $1M to get started, not including a custom home..which we wouldn’t need at the start). Two, it really would require a full-time presents on site. I’m afraid I would feel like I’d get trapped there. It may fly in contradiction to my desire for adventure. Of course a way to mitigate this would be to make sure there was a full time office manager on site as well.

Jesser’s and I went scuba diving today. She went on an intro dive and I went with three retired dudes the dive every day. We went down about 100 feet along the cliff and saw all sorts of wonderful things; multiple sea turtles, a group of about five stingrays that were feeding, lots of lobsters and tons of fish. Down deep the reef was in much better shape than it shallow water, which was nice to see. 

Mike took off today but suggested I look into Stoicism (ryan holiday, Tim Farris). I watched a few videos and will explore more

Finally my cell phone seems to be dead dead. This is really stressing me out. But I think that’s a good thing. I have no current plans to fix it or get another one. We’ll see how long this lasts