Day 18

The next part of the book was to audit the amount of time the reader spends doing work, social media, etc. I can say that my "work-life balance" was way out of wack when I was obsessed with my career. I'm way better balanced at that now. I do want to turn on the thing on my iPhone to track my use of social media, or checking out newspapers, etc. 

The book continued to work on identifying personal values. He talked about how there were "higher and lower values" and that the higher values lead to happiness and lower to anxiety and depression.

Higher values: fearlessness, purity of mind, gratitude, service and charity, acceptance, performing sacrifice, deep study, posterity, straightforwardness, non-violence, truthfulness, absence of anger, renunciation, perspective, restraint from fault finding, compassion towards all living beings, satisfaction, gentleness or kindness, integrity, determination

Lower Values: Greed, lust, anger, ego, illusion, envy

He then asked us to write out our 3 best and worst decisions and why did we make that decision and what would we have done differently and to look for values in those.

3 best and worst decisions              Why did you make this decision?     How would I do it differently?

Best - Da'Wife                         Family, Stability, comfort, support.    Would not

Best - Relocating                        Exploration, adventure                     Support of family needed

Best - Becoming an entrepreneur   Ambition, Freedom, challenge     Done it sooner

Worst - CIO jobs                         Risk taking, Power, Ambition     Ambition overshadowed skill

Worst - Dirtbike in college      Adventure, challenge, risk-taking     Risk taking overshadowed skill

Worst - Breckenridge        Fear of being left, adventure risk-taking      Fear overshadowed family

I'm not sure I'm fully understanding how he expects us to merge all these different things together but a common them are the following values so I will just go with those as "final answer": 

Adventure, Ambition, Family/Spirit, Pleasure, Security

The next chapter was on negativity. I do acknowledge I have a tendency to find fault with others so I can fix the issue for the sake of progress. I do think the 'fault finding' can sway past identifying a roadblock and into personal fault finding. But overall I do think I hold a balance of not judging people. When I get into a situation where I am noticing I'm finding fault with the person and not the task I should identify and remind myself about one good quality of the person so I do not start to become negative about them. The next section is on transformational forgiveness identifying and finding strength and calmness to forgive without expecting an apology or anything else in return... ya that one is going to take some work to get thru.

Yesterday I identified three areas to complete the forgiveness exercise (career, family of origin, and self). I sat on the beach for sunset and recorded the first of the three. I told myself I would sit here and watch it as an impartial observer until I knew I could leave this negatively I have harbored in the past. I’ll try to do the other two actives over the next two days.  I don’t want to rush this. 

As I leave the beach well after dark I leave behind anger and pick up thanks. Thank you all for helping me to have this life rather than that one. 

In the third chapter of the book (on fear) I first thought that I’m not afraid of much (I love adventure) but I am terrified of conflict and of when my partner will die or leave. The latter sounds irrational, but as we get older and have started to lose friends due to age-related issues (cancer, etc) I realize I am profoundly concerned about being by myself and withdrawing from others as a result. This is causing me to be distant. I’ve also had most people who are very close (family of origin, close friends, etc) leave. This trip to TCI had given me some security in living solo (not that I want it, but I don’t have to fear it). I need to acknowledge the fear of loss of my partner and transform the fear into enjoyment in spending the time I do have with them. 

I booked my flight home for 3/1/2021. I have to leave at some point and this journey has been about many things. But I feel like it is coming to an end. So far the journey has been about overcoming my anxiety when alone (totally fine w/ that now), about working on my physical fitness (not perfect, but doing well), and looking within. This last section is likely going to take MUCH longer than I'm willing to spend on the island. But it is not the destination it is the journey.