Day 31 & 32

I did a loop around the island with one of the guests who is staying at the yoga retreat, we then met the hosts at an Indian place for dinner.  Look at how this mother is looking at her daughter making a silly face eating some food. The family I'm staying with has a true love for each other. They don't agree on many things (they get quite animated about it) but the love they have for each other is real.

On the second day, I spent the day just hanging out on the beach. It was a good place to read my books and contemplate what I got out of this trip. I realized I'm really homesick. So I decided to change my flight to return Monday instead of Wednesday.

But it was hard to be of a calm mind even in paradise. In the morning I learned my mother's dog died. I reached out to a loved one and learned they have been excommunicated via text. As strange as this sounds, it is an annual tradition that one of my family is in the unofficial "persona non grata" slot ... we should have t-shirts for who has this annual honor as we have ALL been in it at one point for failing to live to my mother's standards.  Hearing this was done to someone close to me brought to the surface that even though I have forgiven my mother for excommunicating me, my relationship with my mother has been the greatest source of pain in my life. My head and heart are constantly trying to maintain a healthy balance that doesn't allow her close enough she can harm me by threatening to withhold love, but also maintaining a connection and care to help her as needed as she gets older. I know the right thing to do is call her, even if it is for small talk. I know she is in an insurmountable amount of pain and loneliness (he dog died this week and my Dad passed 6 months ago this week). My heart is heavy that she is in pain and I will not let her close to me to share her pain, but  I've been hurt too many times when I do let her close.  I will reach out to her monthly to let her know she is important, because she was a wonderful mother to me when I was a child. She has not called me in over 10 years (part of the emotional game of withholding approval/love). Her games hurt. I said goodbye to a real relationship with her a long time ago, but will continue to periodically reach out to honor her as my mother for all the years she spent caring for me as a child (she did a great job when I was young) still feels like the right thing to do. 

I'm profoundly sad about this.

I read some thoughts on boundaries. Boundaries are not something you limit the other person from doing. Boundaries are limits you place on yourself on what you will accept. I feel in this case she can continue to do what she does... I can't control her. I will:

• limit myself to reaching out monthly
• show respect and honor on the call
• only make the call when my mind is in a state I can deal with the trauma of the call
• not respond to snark, but instead, continue to have small talk (keep it light and short)