Day 26 & 27

 The last two days have been rough. I’m homesick for the first time. I had a really bad headache on the second day that kept me inside for most of the day (watching netflix). I still have some things I want to finish working but I’m on the last stretch of this trip for sure (<10 days). I looked at flights to get home sooner but it was $1K and the weather in MN is scheduled to be -2 degrees so I think I'll stick it out for the rest of the trip and keep my return flight 3/16.

If last year's trip was about forgiveness, this year is about starting to transition from a list of goals to do to fulfill my life to also including a list of things to be. I don’t know how to make that stick. 

I was able to finish the chapter on "the mind" in the monk book. Last year when I read this second I was relatively new to the ideas of meditation. This year the chapter was refreshing but not as new as it was last year. I clearly see my "monkey mind" taking control way too often. In my mindfulness/meditation practice I've had some great experiences. I would say if I'm doing 15min+ meditations 5x/week I can get to the state of observing my "monkey mind" about 80% of the time... but as soon as I get up from the meditation it is back in charge. I also have to have it be pretty quiet to meditate. Over the last month, I've been ramping up the time I spend meditating (1-2 sessions per day at 20min+ in addition to yoga which involves between 10min to 60 minutes at least once a day, sometimes twice). Right now my ability to observe the "monkey mind" is a lot easier and I've even tried to meditate a few times with noise going on around me (the bar the other night). I thought we would have more meditation at the Yoga center. So far Vania (spelling) is the teacher that brings that into practice in a way that is specific enough it works with how my mind works (Yael does it too, but more with a flow of yoga than specific meditation vocabulary .... which I'm sure works for people who can dance ... that's a joke because she is very clearly spiritual in a way my autistic mind doesn't understand fully...she keeps talking about dancing and having me roar like a lion.... not sure that processes in my mind correctly... but out of everybody here i find her the easiest to connect to in a mindful way). I'm going to ask Nati for Vanias contact info and maybe she can meet with me during my time left here or provide MP3s of guidens mediation based on stuff I'm working on  

My daily meditations are focused on gratitude... my notes from the most recent one include being grateful for: Kim. Our financial situation. Ryan is independent. Ally’s growing independence and mental health. The warmth and brightness of Cozumel. Yaels teaching. Yiel/Nati sitting in the living room just watching the dog (IE: they are not stressed or chasing down a lead/client... no TV in the house.. no laptops/cell phone... no drugs/alcohol.... just watching the dog)

During the guided meditation on gratitude yesterday one of the questions after observing the answer to "what are you most grateful for" was "How does it feel to be grateful"... I observed that I was concerned each of these good things would go away... so even in gratitude I have to work on fear.

In one of the books I'm reading (I'm listening to 3 and don't remember which one this came from) the author was talking about a man (Hilton) who spent 30+ years on death row for a crime he didn't commit. Once released he would walk around in the rain... in pure joy for the rainfall. I don't like rain/snow... but to somebody who had basic freedom stolen from him, this was meaningful.  

Yeil and her mom (still not sure of her name) introduced me to their rescued Coati.  When it was a baby they built a cage for it to say in but Nati felt caging an animal (even a baby) was cruel and "accidentally" left it open after feeding. It now lives on the second floor of one of the outbuildings.